This is a very sad and perplexing problem during these days of departure from the truths of the word of God. Once such a matter was almost unheard of amongst Christian believers. This is not to claim that all marriages were as happy and were as free of difficulties as they should be. But in those days it was normal that when people took a solemn vow in the presence of God, and also of many witnesses, they would never lightly break their word, and the vow that they had taken. If things in the marriage did not work out happily, then they accepted it, and worked on the problems until they were solved. If matters were never solved, then they just made the best of what they could, until it pleased God to release them from the vow that they had both taken, by calling one of the partners home to be with Himself.

However things are vastly different today, and often people break the solemn vows that they have taken in the presence of God, and also of many witnesses, on the slightest difficulty, or even of pretence.

It should be pointed out here that marriage of a believer with an unbeliever is condemned and prohibited in Holy Scripture. This is not vengeful on God’s part, but only His just concern for the happiness of the couple involved. Marriage is not easy at the best of times, as it is difficult for two lives to blend, and for two people to adjust to each other. This is especially so when the warmth of ‘first love’ has evaporated, and the couple are faced with caring for, and providing for the children that normally result from such a marriage When there are bills to pay, sickness comes, the romance of the marriage is beginning to wear thin. Even love making becomes a bore, and the wife tries to avoid her responsibilities in this respect. The husband becomes impatient, and demands his full share of the enjoyment that results from this activity. Where a couple are divided at the heart of their marriage, life becomes near impossible. But where both have a living faith in God, and they are prepared to obey God’s word. When they are willing to confess their faults to one another, and to the Lord Jesus, and thus receive His cleansing and help, they have a resource and a help that others do not have. Successful marriage is a triangle that is husband, wife, and God. So we maintain that God is not mean when He insists that both partners in a marriage should belong to Him. 2 Corinthians 6:14.

There are two principal causes of friction in most marriages, and those two things can be identified as money and sex. Hebrews chapter 13:1-8 is a very important and helpful passage in the consideration of this perplexing problem. Though verses 1-3 do not seem to be related to our subject, yet they are fundamental in laying a foundation for a successful marriage. Selfishness lies at the root of most of our problems, and if we are wise enough to heed the exhortations given in verses 1-3, we will be delivered from the destroying power of selfishness. The first exhortation is "Let brotherly love continue". Love in these days is regarded as a selfish and sensual thing, what is today called ‘love’ is really lust, and its ultimate gain is to exploit another, in order to gratify that lust. Whereas brotherly love, (Philadelphia) is totally unselfish, and it is described in Romans 12:10 as being "Kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;". If a couple are active in showing compassion to others less fortunate than themselves, showing compassion, entertaining strangers, remembering prisoners, as if they were fellow prisoners, then they will find that their love for each other will increase. It will foster and develop an un-selfish attitude, they will be less demanding of each other.

Verse 4 of Hebrews 13, tells us that marriage is honourable in all (every way), and the bed undefiled. Within the marriage bond sexual activity is not sinful, and should never be regarded as dirty, but it is God’s way of propagating the human race, and of producing a ‘godly seed’, Malachi 2:15. It is not designed for sensual pleasure alone, and it should never be regarded in this way. However outside the marriage bond this activity is sinful and those that engage in it will surely bring upon themselves the judgment of God. We live in a day similar to that in which Lot lived when all kinds of sexually deviant activities are regarded as normal by some. But such behaviour has brought down on those that indulge in it, and unfortunately on other innocent and morally clean people, (through blood transfusions, and the lack of proper sterilization of needles etc.) the disease of H.I.V.A.I.D.S. This is nothing more or less then the judgment of God. All that is required to eradicate this scourge is for people to give to marriage its proper respect, and to return to a decent and moral way of living. However people are not prepared to give up their sin, and prefer to spread the disease by their immoral living, and at the same time to clamour for cheap antiviral drugs that will enable them to live longer, and thus to spread the disease further.

Such evil practices finally brought down the judgment of God on the wicked cities of the plain where the Dead Sea now exists, and may yet bring down a similar judgment on the wicked cities of this world. We are warned in Romans 1:21-32, what such profanity produces, and we can see this being fulfilled before our very eyes. However this does not mean that we should sit back and exercise scornful self-righteous judgment on those that have fallen into this sin. But rather we should show compassion to the fallen, and seek to lead them to Christ, and into a better life.

When a believer’s life is controlled by the Holy Spirit, then there will be much greater harmony in this area of married life. It is interesting to note that the first thing that is mentioned as the result of being filled with the Holy Spirit in Ephesians 5:19 to chapter 6:9, is the marriage relationship, then parent-children, and master-servant. All these are affected by the person being filled with the Holy Spirit.

While ever this is present in the life of either wife or husband, there will be friction, and discontent. The love of money and the love of material things will rob us of the sweetness of contentment. We will no longer get any enjoyment out of the material things we possess, while ever we think that we deserve better. I once visited an old man who lived with his son on the family farm. He took me on a tour of inspection, and though the things he possessed seemed very ordinary or even second rate to me; to him they were the very best. It taught me that he gained much more pleasure out of the things he possessed, than others that had much better things, but thought that they deserved better. If only we could learn to be content with what we have, then life would be so much sweeter for us.

Many a marriage has been spoiled by a greedy wife that has driven her husband to work every waking hour, so that she could get more and more of the gadgets that are supposed to make life easier and more enjoyable. Where there is greed in either wife or husband, their interest in spiritual things declines. There is no time for prayer or the reading of the word, no time to attend meetings. This leads to spiritual barrenness, the going becomes difficult, tempers fray and things soon begin to fall apart. O that we might be content with such things as we have, remembering that He, (the Lord Jesus), has said, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee". If we have each other and the presence help and comfort of the Lord’s presence, then we are rich, whether we have little or much. Finally He is all that we could need! With this contentment, this assurance we can face the future with holy boldness. With Christ as our helper, what can man do unto us?

However this paper was not intended to be a paper on marriage counselling, but my thought was that if we could help to prevent the ruin of any marriage by a few words of counsel, then let us give this first.

This question troubles the minds of many in Western Countries, where it is estimated that one marriage in three will end up in the divorce court. Some years ago an Indian Bible teacher visited Australia. In one city he was pressed to speak on the subject of divorce. He referred to a verse in Colossians 3:19, where it says, "Husbands love your wives, and be not bitter against them". His comment was that if we are not to be bitter against our wives, then how could we possibly think of divorcing them? His comment was correct, divorce should never even be considered amongst the children of God.

However God permitted divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts, and we have to admit, that in spite of all the instructions given to us in the word of God, in spite of the fact that God dwells in us by His Spirit, yet marriages still break up. The Lord Jesus said that "Because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold." Matt 24:12. He not only meant their love for God, but love at all levels, and this is why the divorce courts are so full today.

In Matt. 5:32 the Lord Jesus voluntarily told that if any one was to put away his wife, (betrothed to be married) saving for the cause of fornication, made her to commit adultery. Marriage to a woman so divorced was forbidden. This needs to be understood in the context of Jewish custom. In their case, betrothal is just as binding as marriage. If at the time of marriage the girl was found not to be a virgin, then the bridegroom was entitled to put her away in divorce. Thereafter the girl would be marked as immoral, and any person marrying her committed adultery. Before marriage sexual relations between unmarried persons was called, (and is called today) fornication. No married person can commit fornication, it is always called adultery.

I need to point out here that we are not under law, but under grace, thus we are not bound by the terms and details of Moses’ Law. However marriage was instituted by God, and the command that a man (singular), should leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife (singular), and that they two, were to become one flesh, was given by God long before the Law was introduced. Its principles apply to all men wherever they are, and every true marriage is ordained by God, whether the couple be Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Pagan, or atheist. It is not just a convenient arrangement made by men. When questioned by the Jews, the Lord Jesus did not just go back to Moses, but to the beginning, and He said that those joined in marriage were joined together by God. Matt.19:1-12.

I met a man once who had been divorced and had married another woman. His argument was that he was no longer under the Law of Moses, but lived under the law of the Australian Government, and this allowed him to re-marry though his former wife was still alive. This is a very false ground to take, because the Australian Government sanctions homo-sexual relationships, encourages de-facto relationships, and couples living together outside of marriage. These things are called sin in the Bible, and as we have pointed out earlier people that practise such things expose themselves to the judgment of God.

In the Bible, and in the Law, God has revealed His will, and that will is designed for the greatest happiness for man, and for the solid foundation of an ordered society. Though we are not under the Law, yet if we wish to please God, we will abide by what it states. Psalm 19:7-11. It will surpass in its authority the laws of men and Governments. So that where such laws conflict with God’s Holy Law, we are to be governed by God’s Law, not men’s. Acts 4:19-20, & 5:29.

Having established this principle, now let us turn to the passage in Matt. 19:1-12. The answers that the Lord Jesus gave were drawn from Him by the questions of the Pharisees, who were tempting Him, and trying to trap Him. It is obvious that divorce was a vexed question even then, but this was only because of the hardness of their hearts. If it was not for the coldness and the hardness of the hearts of those that question, and seek some way around the clear statements of Holy Scripture, the question would not arise. This is especially so amongst Christian believers, as we have pointed out earlier in this paper. It is very plain that if our Love for God and His word, and our love for our partner was what it should be, the question would never arise. Let me say at this point that the wisest course is for us to judge ourselves, to get right with God, and with each other. If disagreements and quarrels do arise, then let us settle the matters on the day itself. "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath". Settle the matters on that day itself, don’t go to sleep with matters unsettled. Don’t carry your anger or ill feeling from one day to another, because if you do you "give place to the Devil". Ephesians 4:26-27.

In verse 9 of Matt. 19, the Lord Jesus states some truths that cannot be altered. He makes it plain that divorce is tolerated on only one ground, and that is marital unfaithfulness, resulting in sexual immorality. However the passage makes it plain that where such action is taken, it is understood that the one that divorces their partner is to remain in an unmarried state until the death of the other partner. Because if the one that divorces marries another person, they then commit adultery. Also any person that marries one that has been divorced by their former partner commits adultery. In this chapter it is supposed that the unfaithfulness is on the part of the wife, and it is the man that takes the action of divorcing his wife. But in Mark chapter 10:12, the wife is also free to divorce the husband if he has been unfaithful. But the rule as to re-marriage still applies.

However the Lord Jesus knew the weakness of man; and so He adds "All men cannot receive this saying, save those to whom it is given" verse 11. This is not to be used as an escapism, or a loophole to facilitate the gratification of our lust, but it clearly shows the deep compassion and the perfect understanding that our Saviour had of men, His creatures. It is clear that the strength of the sexual desire in man, (men and women), differs from person to person. This is why the Lord Jesus speaks of eunuchs in verse 12, (Matt. 19). There are some that are eunuchs from their mother’s womb. That is they are born without the normal sexual drives that are common to man. There are others that are made eunuchs by men. That is by castration, or by brain washing, the use of constant mental pressure, or even by the administering of certain chemicals. But there are still others that have made eunuchs of themselves, for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. That is they like Paul have grappled with, and gained control over their natural sexual drives or instincts. They have buffeted their body, and led it captive, (1Corinthians 9:27), they have gained the victory over what is merely natural, by the help and power of God’s Holy Spirit. That same Holy Spirit indwells every genuine believer in Christ, and all His power is available to enable each one to experience His victory.

Satan on the other hand inflames and exploits the natural drives that are created in man. Thus it becomes lust, greedy unsatisfied dirty desire. When the life of the man or woman is controlled by this lust, then life becomes a misery, whether it is within the marriage bond, or outside of it. This is the rock on which many marriages founder. Many seek the ‘easy’ way out of this predicament, by seeking another partner, and legally terminating what God intended should be a life-long commitment.

When most Christian marriages are solemnised, the parties vow before God to be true to each other, for ‘better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death parts them’. However it is so sad that many (in Western Countries), when the least trouble arises, forget the second part of their vow, and break it at the least difficulty, or on the weakest excuses.

Though divorce is tolerated in the Bible,(but not encouraged), yet divorce and re-marriage is not. As I understand the Scriptures if a person is divorced, then it is expected that such a person will remain in a state of widowhood, or widower hood, until the other partner dies. Death alone puts an end to the marriage contract. So we read in Romans 7:2-3. That a woman is bound by the Law to her husband as long as he lives. Though strictly the context of this is being used by Paul to explain the Christian believer’s relationship to the Law, yet we have set out here an unchangeable moral and legal principle. So that if a divorced woman is married to another man while her husband lives, then she shall be called an adulteress, the same is true for the man. These verses make it clear that divorce and re-marriage is morally and spiritually unacceptable.

It is much worse when one who is known as a servant of the Lord is divorced, re-married and yet brazenly continues to take a leading and public part as a servant or ‘pastor’, or ‘Elder’ amongst the people of God. This is plainly forbidden in the Holy Scriptures, see the instructions regarding the qualifications of the elder in 1Timothy 3, where the elder is to be "husband of one wife". Not only this but those that lead amongst God’s people expected to be ensamples to the flock, 1Peter 5:3. It will be admitted that if the flock followed the example set by such men, then the Church would be in a terribly corrupt condition.

It has been known in some Churches that a man has divorced his own wife, and lived in adultery with the wife of another man in the same Church. The other man will then divorce his own wife, and marry the divorced wife of the first mentioned man. Thus we may find them each sitting down at the Lord’s Table with another man’s wife. Such confusion and corruption is hateful to God, and may bring down His judgment on the offenders. This is nothing more than a legal form of wife-swapping, and is despised by decent moral people in the world, and should be condemned by those that claim to be the children of a Holy God.

This sometimes happens, but even where people are married in a ‘Christian’ Church, or with a Christian form of marriage, God still expects such to be true to the vow they have taken. Marriage is not just a religious ceremony, it is a civil responsibility. Such a vow taken before becoming a believer should have an even greater significance once a person comes to Christ. However Billy Graham once said "we can’t unscramble eggs", and where divorce and re-marriage has taken place before the persons come to Christ, it would be quite wrong to seek to dissolve that marriage again. Nevertheless such persons would be wise to take no leading public part in the meetings of the Assembly. But it should be understood that such persons have not committed an unforgivable sin, because the "Blood of Jesus Christ, His Son cleanseth us from all sin." 1 John,1:7.

This situation is covered by the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7. There it is supposed that one party from a pagan relationship is saved, but if the unsaved partner is willing to stay then the saved partner is not to put away (divorce) the unsaved partner. Verses 10 to 14. The saved partner is then to seek by their holy life, conversation and prayers to win the unsaved partner. 1 Peter, 3:1-4. The children of such a marriage are potentially holy, and the saved partner should not rest, or even give God any rest, until the children are saved.

But if the unbelieving partner wishes to depart, then Paul says, let them depart, a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. Yet it is on the understanding that the partner that remains will continue in a state of widowhood until the other partner dies. Verse 27 is most important, if a person is bound to a wife, (or husband), seek not to be loosed. Some hold the extreme view that if a person is divorced and re-married, then that person can never go to heaven. This view is both preposterous and ridiculous. It supposes that a person can be truly born again, by repenting of their sins, and putting their faith in Christ and His finished work of salvation, yet such can be lost because of an illicit human relationship. However if the divorced partner of such a person dies, they are no longer living in adultery, and can then enter heaven. This means that a person’s place in heaven is dependent on the death of their former partner, and not alone on the person and work of Christ which is quite ridiculous.

This is a matter that must be settled by each Assembly, as the facts of each case must be carefully considered by the elders of that Assembly. If a person has committed such a sin as adultery, and has truly repented and judged themselves. If they have done all that they can do to put the matter right before the Lord, and with the person that they sinned against then I do not see that such would have to be under a life-long ban. If the blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanses, and goes on cleansing from all (or every sin), then if we deny to such the privilege of remembering the Lord forever, then it seems that we make ourselves more Holy that God, who has received them. But such should never be allowed to take any leading public part in the meetings of the Assembly.

Each case must be judged on its own merits, and each case must be handled with tenderness and compassion. I have heard it said that one party in a divorce is innocent, but though the weight of most of the guilt may be on one party, in reality there is no innocent party. It always takes two to make a quarrel. Perhaps if the truth was taught more clearly, there may be less cases of this horrible evil. So some of the guilt may lie with those that teach and lead the Assembly.

Galatians 6:1 should describe the attitude that should mark those that handle such matters. Let us remember that some day we too may be tempted. It is a very dangerous thing for one to set themselves up as a counsellor, or specialist in marital problems. I have known of several such people who have travelled widely, giving addresses of this subject, holding counselling sessions etc. but they have also run off with other women. Let us be warned!

To young people contemplating marriage I would say, be very prayerful about this great decision. Be sure that you are in the will of God. Remember that this is a life-long commitment and do not go into it lightly. Flirting and dating is a common practice in Western Countries but it is a dangerous if not a sinful practice. If you are to be married, then God has chosen the right person for you. Seek His will above all else! Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33.